Freak: or Is this a Fiction??

Confession time...Not that I'm Catholic...Thank God!

I had an "unusual experience" a few years ago...and I've been wavering/waffling/whatevering whether or not to make a post about it. But, seeing as my memories occasionally fall through unseen portals - leaving me unsure as to whether or not they will reappear...and I think my experience will make a great movie or miniseries someday...I guess it behooves me to have a back-up copy somewhere. So, Lucky Blogger, you win the prize!

I've known since my early childhood that I'm different. Yeah, lots of people "feel" they are different. But I am the real deal. Sensitive, psychic, clairvoyant, precognitive, gifted, oddball, weirdo...freak...I like that last one. Semantics. " Psychic" carries way too much baggage. "Gifted" (I was bussed to "Gifted" classes at second school.) sounds too La-Ti-Da. "Different" works.

Anyway...
My earliest childhood memory (from before I was 2 years old) is of a recurring nightmare that traumatized my mother and myself some evenings...In the dream, I was was dressed in white, walking (!) up the street and saw a car approaching from down the hill. It ran me over. In fact, several cars did, and I remember looking up and seeing the undercarriages of the cars as they ran over me. Kinda weird thing to dream/scream about at that age. At this point, I assume it was a dream about my just-previous incarnation/life...and that was how I died.

Dreams...
Fast forward several years... I think I was 10 or 11 years young. I had the utterly awful experience, on several occasions, of having graphic and vivid dreams about a commercial passenger plane crashing. That was bad, but no big deal, right? Well, that's true, until you factor in that when I woke up on the mornings that I had these nightmares and opened the morning newspaper...I was quite shaken to find the front page emblazoned with the gruesome details of a commercial passenger plane crash that had happened overnight. Hmmm... Lovely... I mean, what is a person supposed to do with something like that... especially a 10 year young grrl? And it happened multiple times.

I don't know about other places, but people in Florida didn't talk about such things being possible, let alone how to deal with them or what to do about/with them. It was my terrible little secret.

On the outside looking in....

I wasn't a "painfully" shy child. No, I was and excruciatingly shy child. The kind that literally hid behind my mother when new people were introduced to me. That was early childhood. In later childhood, I just avoided people. I knew I was strange, but I could deal with it - what choice did I have? But the idea of having to engage in conversation with "them"(other people) was something that gave me butterflies. Eventually, I befriended some girls in my neighborhood. I was happy with that. But boys were entirely different thing. It took real effort to learn to socialize with the girls. I couldn't fathom then how to deal with boys and I really didn't want to. You know what I did? I watched television and studied other people interacting with each other and I mimicked them to the best of my ability. It never felt "natural", though... and to this day, I still feel like I am acting, I am performing, when I interact with people. I am able to fit in, blend in...to "pass". But it still feels like a mask and cloak I put on when in the company of people and one that I take off when I am alone.


Taking The Words Right Out Of Their Mouths...

One of my "natural" abilities around that time was knowing what people were going to say, before they said it. I thought I was being helpful when I finished people's sentences. I was saving them ( and me ) time. But, sheesh! They certainly didn't see it that way. The looks I got...grrrr... I was only trying to be helpful (one of my over-the-top driving characteristics). A variation on this one reappeared, in recent years, when I would think something - a word or phrase- and someone in my immediate vicinity or that soon came into "range" would blurt it out. I AM NOT KIDDING. (And, no, I was not "under the influence" of anything) It kind of freaked me out for a while. Understandably. I mean, imagine saying something to yourself, in the privacy of your own mind, and some person you have never seen before walks past you and repeats it Word for Word... a nanosecond after you thought it. Here's an example that really happened to me: I was sitting at a cafe on -------- Street. Mid-day hustling and bustling. Yuppies and shoppers going to and fro...Sipping my coffee...I am alone (Big Surprise.)...staring at nothing...feeling under the gun for reasons I may elaborate upon later...and I thought to myself, in my head, "Well... I have friends..." And in the very next moment two guys walked by in front of me, one in front of the other. The second one, tall and lanky and staring at the ground as he strode along...when he got to the point on the sidewalk directly in front of where I sat...he stopped. He just stood there and slowly raised his head so that he was looking straight ahead of himself and to my left, seemingly at nothing. He then spoke 4 words that shook me to my core. He said, "Well... I have friends." He then slowly lowered his gaze back to the ground and re-started his slow, giraffe-like gait forward down the sidewalk. Hmmm...I thought.
No, I mean: "Aaaahhhh!(shriek)...
I thought somebody was messing with my head.
Only I couldn't understand: 1.) Why? and 2.) How?
It was a very unpleasant feeling.
Think about it...You go through life assuming your private thoughts are, well... private!
And...surprise!
It suddenly and constantly appears you were gravely mistaken.
What do you do?
What if you cannot do anything?
What if it continues to happen to you on a daily basis, countless times throughout the day?
On the bus, walking down the street, anywhere, everywhere?
What would you think?
Would you tell anyone?
Would you confront those appearing to mimic you?
What if they weren't aware they were doing it?
Would you think you were losing your mind?
Would you think it was a "psychic" thing?
It seems to be random and follow no pattern.
If you were absolutely sure it was really happening...how could you prove it to anyone? (Like I said, it's random... doesn't happen all of the time... I am looking forward to learning to consciously direct it.)
Would that matter to you?
What if it looked like it was never going to stop happening?
Would you be able to deal with it?

Just because you're Paranoid...

Well that line of thinking wasn't at all helpful, so I tried a blend of logic and quantum physics. "Thoughts being things" and all...just energy (like everything), and energy not being destroyed...just changing form....Hmmm.
According to what I've read of quantum physics, if a person doing an experiment of some sort has preconcieved expectations regarding the results...those beliefs/thoughts can effect/interfere with the results. Maybe the guy at the cafe just kind of spacing out/not paying attention to anything. He was like a blank canvas. And there I was, wound-up and brooding, dark and deep and feeling 'whelmed' (I refuse to be 'over-whelmed'). Trying to create/project something resembling optimistic thoughts/feelings for myself. Maybe I just over-shot.(?) Stranger things have happened....and I might even tell you about some of them. Someday.
(...The saga continues...later, gotta walk my dog.)

But Global Warming Isn't Affecting ...Me...

www.fightglobalwarming.com/viewads

NO SKATEBOARDING ON THE SIDEWALK? YEAH, RIGHT!
Current mood: awake
Category: Life

Forgive me, Father...For I have Skateboarded on the Sidewalk...

Have you seen the way some people drive ? (and I use the term "drive", loosely.) Not only that, there's only so many times I feel like drawing upon my unlearned but instantaneously developed, life-and limb-saving gymnastics skills to avoid the car doors suddenly thrown open in front of me. Not to mention, the cars pulling out from parallel parking spots (And to the lady on Cole Street, who just giggled (!) after a near-hit...I know where you live and I know what you drive.) And To Everyone who pulls out of parallel parking spots: Please. Don't Just Rely on your side mirror! Look! Turn your Head! That's why God gave you Eyes and a Neck!

Anyway, it's not like I terrorize the pedestrians...quite the opposite, in fact. Those pesky pedestrians, "Pod-people"- in particular, i-pods...check!, earplugs...check!, completely unaware of who and what is going on around them...CHECK!!

I mean, come on! The world is a Beautiful place... it isn't necessary to dull your awareness of it...in fact, to do so is a dangerous thing...
1)You won't hear skateboarders coming, as you meander and zig-zag along.
2)You won't hear emergency vehicles.
3)You won't hear that Really Cute stranger next to you giving you a sincere compliment.
4)You won't hear that Really Cute stranger next to you saying, "Look out for that speeding red light-runner!/runaway moving van/falling baby grand piano!"
5)This one is for the grrl's, especially: You won't hear that potential mugger/nutcase/predatory person who is right behind you and who everyone without earphones is aware of and avoiding.
O.K?
Whew! Thanks for letting me get that out of my system. I feel much better, now and much less likely to ....well, you know.

-Welcome to my World.

Psst! How 'bout a Quickie?

This one's REALLY SHORT:

Look up once in a while, people, o.k.? You might be surprised at what you see...

That's it....

That is all...

What are you doing still reading this?? I said it was "a Quickie" and now it's over...You are excused... Bye!

Obsession, Chanel and CK...Oh My!



"You...In a Veil of 'Poison'..." (...they aren't kidding.)



I'm sure that I cannot be the only one who feels this way...Please leave a comment and let me know!

Have you ever found yourself in an enclosed space, be it an elevator or a bus or a taxi, especially if the space is crowded, and someone in that space has apparently doused themselves with a lethal amount of perfume, cologne or aftershave? (perhaps they thought if a little is good, a lot is better.) And you find their non-scintillationg scent not only repelling, but making it quite hard to breathe?

Actually, it doesn't even have to be an enclosed space. Maybe you are just minding your own business, walking down the sidewalk and some excessively saturated person passes by... and you find yourself enveloped in this suffocating, toxic and seemingly endless cloud that is amazingly invisible, but could probably drop a large horse??

For me, it isn't so bad in the winter, but at the current time and Especially in the Summer(!) far too many women and even some men apparently have been led to believe that the fragrance they paid good money for smells equally good...be it due to gullability, peer pressure and/or sexy ads and commercials (i.e. Calvin Klein).

I'll let you all in on a secret...It all stinks!!! Yes, STINKS!!

Not only that, if you knew what the fragrance companies make the stuff out of, you'd probably run in the opposite direction or possibly sue them. Fragrances are full of man-made chemicals, many of which either are known to be hazardous or haven't really been tested properly. And if you use the stuff...it not only gets on your skin, but in your skin and IN YOUR LUNGS.

Lastly, There's nothing wrong with just being clean and smelling like NOTHING. Keep it Simple.

And, I do have a stake in this issue, we all do, because the Eau de Stink people don't just expose themselves to these truly toxic chemicals... they expose everyone around them to their chemical cloud. Just like the argument regarding second-hand smoke...People who want to just breathe CLEAN AIR DO have a GREATER RIGHT to do so than people who want to funk it up, be it with cigarette smoke or crappy chemical colognes (i don't care what celebrity is pimping it or how much it cost you... at the least ...it STINKS! at the worst...it's HAZARDOUS!

So, Please, either "a little dab will do ya." or forgo it all together and just bathe regularly.

Thanks for letting me rant.
Cleanly Yours,
-Lisa

Why I am Single...


I happened to glance at a bulletin that showed up recently on my home page and it is the one thing that finally motivated me to write something down here. It was titled, "Why I am Single.", and was comprised of a growing list of people's id's and their reason(s) why they are single. Some of them weren't single and stated so, even with thankfulness. That sentiment was nice to see... it balanced out some of the verbal bile that spewed out of some of the other respondents, who apparently are freshly burned or still dealing with a bad ending of a previous relationship. I do have empathy for those people still in pain. I remember all too well the deep emotional pain inflicted upon me by persons that I had let into my heart and had loved and who, based upon their actions, had only feigned any reciprocal feelings. I remember anger. I remember playing the whole relationship over countless times, in my mind's eye, and critiquing it and second-guessing and "...if only I had..."-ing it to the exclusion of living my life in the present.

I have always had a tendency toward naievete. The result of a well-meaning but terribly over-protective mother. I aquired a healthy amount of book-based knowledge, but I knew virtually nothing about surviving in the real world, nor did I have an understanding of the games some people play. I was painfully shy and always honest and felt endless compassion for others in pain and assumed others weren't that different. Needless to say... To call what I experienced a Rude Awakening is the epitome of understatement.

Let me just say that I thank the Powers that Be, my Guardian Angels...whomever lent their assistance so that I not only survived, but have since developed a self-confidence and self-acceptance that I never had before. I was forced to learn to stand up for myself by an astonishingly cruel tormentor, but I am grateful that I finally learned to do it. Doormat-syndrome (identifiable by the pathological desire to make everyone but yourself happy (at any cost) and the constant knee-jerk reflex to be accomodating) is not a desirable nor healthy charateristic.

Anyway, in a nutshell, I, like everyone else, have had my experiences with Lame Boyfriends. And to be honest, there have not been that many, but they've all been lame. No, no... I'm not blaming them entirely. It was I who made the unfortunate decision to let them into my life, and for that I take full responsibility. And I paid for that decision, in full, each time. I also take responsibility for making poor choices in partners, something I chalk up to my then complete innocence about the ways of some of the less evolved people in the world and my trusting that, given the chance, most people were basically honest and true. Like I said at the beginning...naieve.

Now to get to my reasons Why I am Single:
1) I am completely content and comfortable when I am alone. I have been solitary for long periods of time and I have had periods where I have enjoyed a close-knit circle of friends. Right now, I kind of miss that companionship. But I won't "suffer fools gladly" and thankfully am pickier about who I let into my life. I have observed some friends who would rather have unhealthy and untrustworthy people in their space than be alone...I, thankfully, am not one of them.

2)I have refused to be indoctrinated/brainwashed by the never-ending display of society's subtle hints and blatant statements and the constant barrage from the media, especially women's magazines, that constantly ask why (if you are) are you single and offer unsolicited suggestions/advice to help you find 'your soul-mate'; how-to be sexier/more attractive/improve yourself (they assume there's something wrong with you and THAT'S why you are single.) and "How to Find Mr. Right/Tell if He's Mr. Right." articles ad nauseum. As well as the verbal and nonverbal messages that tell us that we're expected to pair off with someone and begin reproducing. Uncle Sam even gives you tax benefits if you do it! In my view, the corporations that constantly promote all this conform and cohabitate crap have a vested interest, like cigarette companies, in securing a never-ending supply of consumers. Also religion plays a part in it. They, too, want to encourage the production of future congregants to ensure the continuation of their faith. To be fair, all this subliminal and overt persuasion, for some participants, may not be intentional...it's just tradition...it's what generations have done. Well, I've taken a step back and looked at things and found that: a) Marriage is the single leading indicator for/cause of divorce. And b) The sustainability of the world's natural resources and of 100's of species are under immediate threat due to human overpopulation- it's needs, demands and percieved divine right to do whatever the hell it wants...damn the global warming. So, no thanks, I won't be part of the problem, just because 'everybody's doing it'.

3)I do not need someone else in my life in order to feel complete. I am not missing anything. I am a whole person as I am. Also, at least historically, when I've had a boyfriend, I've tended to become incomplete - to put fullfilling all their endless needs and wants first, to the exclusion of my own. So, with that understanding, I am healthier and happier when single.

O.K., I'll admit that having a short yet painful history of manipulative, abusive and/or deceitful boyfriends may have left me with a smidge of shell-shock, PTSD or, at the very least, a bad taste in my mouth. But I haven't let it lead me to categorize all men as jerks. But I feel better keeping them at arm's length, just the same.

Of course, if at sometime, someplace I meet someone else who is also a whole, happy, creative, fun, honest, successfully doing what they love and who is psychoses-free...who knows what may develop. Love? Hmmm. Err. Hopefully a mutually meaningful and enjoyable friendship, that's what means the most to me, anyway.
-L

Things a Sk8r Grrl Hears:

1.)Do an Ollie!....
2.)Hey! Do you ride that thing?...
3.)Whoa! There's a girl on a skateboard!...

My Answers (not necessarily said aloud):

1.) Do your grandmother!
(In other words: Save the commands for your dog.)
2.) Only on weekends, if I'm really lonely.
3.) Duh!

For my first posting: A copy of the email i just sent to The NY Times and USA Today:
(With acknowledgement and thanks to writer Greg Palast.)

Dear Friends/NY Times Staff:

The Real Domestic Surveillance Story is Not The Phone Call Logging.

The following came to me from writer Greg Palast.
Please take a look at it. He has researched Choicepoint, the Republican-run data mining company that brought us, among other things, the false list of 94,000 "felons" that were removed from the voter rolls in Florida, pretty much for "voting while black". Which insured King George's taking of the throne.

They now have billions in contracts with Homeland Security, the FBI, et al. to collect and sell information on you and I and everyone to those organizations (including our DNA!)who couldn't collect it themselves, that would be illegal. But thanks to the Patriot Act (Ugh!), they can buy it from other companies.

This is a major story! Please don't ignore it. That would only increase the damage they are able to do.

Thank You.
Name Witheld
San Francisco

Greg Palast writes:
The leader in the field of what is called "data mining," is a company,
formed in 1997, called, "ChoicePoint, Inc," which has sucked up over a
billion dollars in national security contracts.

Worried about Dick Cheney listening in Sunday on your call to Mom?
That ain't nothing. You should be more concerned that they are linking
this info to your medical records, your bill purchases and your entire
personal profile including, not incidentally, your voting registration.
Five years ago, I discovered that ChoicePoint had already gathered 16
billion data files on Americans -- and I know they've expanded their ops
at an explosive rate.

They are paid to keep an eye on you -- because the FBI can't. For the
government to collect this stuff is against the law unless you're
suspected of a crime. (The law in question is the Constitution.) But
ChoicePoint can collect if for "commercial" purchases -- and under the Bush
Administration's suspect reading of the Patriot Act -- our domestic
spying apparatchiks can then BUY the info from ChoicePoint.

Who ARE these guys selling George Bush a piece of you?

ChoicePoint's board has more Republicans than a Palm Beach country
club. It was funded, and its board stocked, by such Republican sugar
daddies as billionaires Bernie Marcus and Ken Langone -- even after Langone
was charged by the Securities Exchange Commission with abuse of inside
information.

I first ran across these guys in 2000 in Florida when our Guardian/BBC
team discovered the list of 94,000 "felons" that Katherine Harris had
ordered removed from Florida's voter rolls before the election.
Virtually every voter purged was innocent of any crime except, in most cases,
Voting While Black. Who came up with this electoral hit list that gave
Bush the White House? ChoicePoint, Inc.

And worse, they KNEW the racially-tainted list of felons was bogus.
And when we caught them, they lied about it. While they've since
apologized to the NAACP, ChoicePoint's ethnic cleansing of voter rolls has
been amply assuaged by the man the company elected.

And now ChoicePoint and George Bush want your blood. Forget your phone
bill. ChoicePoint, a sickened executive of the company told us in
confidence, "hope[s] to build a database of DNA samples from every person
in the United States ...linked to all the other information held by CP
[ChoicePoint]" from medical to voting records.

And ChoicePoint lied about that too. The company publicly denied they
gave DNA to the Feds -- but then told our investigator, pretending to
seek work, that ChoicePoint was "the number one" provider of DNA info to
the FBI.

"And that scares the hell out of me," said the executive (who has since
left the company), because ChoicePoint gets it WRONG so often. We are
not contracting out our Homeland Security to James Bond here. It's
more like Austin Powers, Inc. Besides the 97% error rate in finding
Florida "felons," Illinois State Police fired the company after discovering
ChoicePoint had produced test "results" on rape case evidence ... that
didn't exist. And ChoicePoint just got hit with the largest fine in
Federal Trade Commission history for letting identity thieves purchase
145,000 credit card records.

But it won't stop, despite Republican senators shedding big crocodile
tears about "surveillance" of innocent Americans. That's because FEAR
is a lucrative business -- not just for ChoicePoint, but for firms such
as Syntech, Sybase and Lockheed-Martin -- each of which has provided
lucrative posts or profits to connected Republicans including former
Total Information Awareness chief John Poindexter (Syntech), Marvin Bush
(Sybase) and Lynn Cheney (Lockheed-Martin).

But how can they get Americans to give up our personal files, our phone
logs, our DNA and our rights? Easy. Fear sells better than sex -- and
they want you to be afraid. Back to today's New York Times, page 28:
"Wider Use of DNA Lists is Urged in Fighting Crime." And who is
providing the technology? It comes, says the Times, from the work done on
using DNA fragments to identity victims of the September 11 attack. And
who did that job (for $12 million, no bid)? ChoicePoint, Inc. Which
is NOT mentioned by the Times.

"Genetic surveillance would thus shift from the individual [the alleged
criminal] to the family," says the Times -- which will require, of
course, a national DNA database of NON-criminals.

It doesn't end there. Turn to the same newspaper, page 23, with a
story about a weird new law passed by the state of Georgia to fight illegal
immigration. Every single employer and government agency will be
required to match citizen or worker data against national databases to
affirm citizenship. It won't stop illegal border crossing, but hey,
someone's going to make big bucks on selling data. And guess what local boy
owns the data mine? ChoicePoint, Inc., of Alpharetta, Georgia.

The knuckleheads at the Times don't put the three stories together
because the real players aren't in the press releases their reporters
re-write.

But that's the Fear Industry for you. You aren't safer from terrorists
or criminals or "felon" voters. But the national wallet is several
billion dollars lighter and the Bill of Rights is a couple amendments
shorter.

And that's their program. They get the data mine -- and we get the
shaft.


**********
Greg Palast is author of Armed Madhouse: Who's Afraid of Osama Wolf?,
China Floats Bush Sinks, The Scheme to Steal '08, No Child's Behind
Left and Other Dispatches from the Front Lines of the Class War, out June
6.