Saturday, May 13, 2006

Why I am Single...

I happened to glance at a bulletin that showed up recently on my home page and it is the one thing that finally motivated me to write something down here. It was titled, "Why I am Single.", and was comprised of a growing list of people's id's and their reason(s) why they are single. Some of them weren't single and stated so, even with thankfulness. That sentiment was nice to see... it balanced out some of the verbal bile that spewed out of some of the other respondents, who apparently are freshly burned or still dealing with a bad ending of a previous relationship. I do have empathy for those people still in pain. I remember all too well the deep emotional pain inflicted upon me by persons that I had let into my heart and had loved and who, based upon their actions, had only feigned any reciprocal feelings. I remember anger. I remember playing the whole relationship over countless times, in my mind's eye, and critiquing it and second-guessing and "...if only I had..."-ing it to the exclusion of living my life in the present.

I have always had a tendency toward naievete. The result of a well-meaning but terribly over-protective mother. I aquired a healthy amount of book-based knowledge, but I knew virtually nothing about surviving in the real world, nor did I have an understanding of the games some people play. I was painfully shy and always honest and felt endless compassion for others in pain and assumed others weren't that different. Needless to say... To call what I experienced a Rude Awakening is the epitome of understatement.

Let me just say that I thank the Powers that Be, my Guardian Angels...whomever lent their assistance so that I not only survived, but have since developed a self-confidence and self-acceptance that I never had before. I was forced to learn to stand up for myself by an astonishingly cruel tormentor, but I am grateful that I finally learned to do it. Doormat-syndrome (identifiable by the pathological desire to make everyone but yourself happy (at any cost) and the constant knee-jerk reflex to be accomodating) is not a desirable nor healthy charateristic.

Anyway, in a nutshell, I, like everyone else, have had my experiences with Lame Boyfriends. And to be honest, there have not been that many, but they've all been lame. No, no... I'm not blaming them entirely. It was I who made the unfortunate decision to let them into my life, and for that I take full responsibility. And I paid for that decision, in full, each time. I also take responsibility for making poor choices in partners, something I chalk up to my then complete innocence about the ways of some of the less evolved people in the world and my trusting that, given the chance, most people were basically honest and true. Like I said at the beginning...naieve.

Now to get to my reasons Why I am Single:
1) I am completely content and comfortable when I am alone. I have been solitary for long periods of time and I have had periods where I have enjoyed a close-knit circle of friends. Right now, I kind of miss that companionship. But I won't "suffer fools gladly" and thankfully am pickier about who I let into my life. I have observed some friends who would rather have unhealthy and untrustworthy people in their space than be alone...I, thankfully, am not one of them.

2)I have refused to be indoctrinated/brainwashed by the never-ending display of society's subtle hints and blatant statements and the constant barrage from the media, especially women's magazines, that constantly ask why (if you are) are you single and offer unsolicited suggestions/advice to help you find 'your soul-mate'; how-to be sexier/more attractive/improve yourself (they assume there's something wrong with you and THAT'S why you are single.) and "How to Find Mr. Right/Tell if He's Mr. Right." articles ad nauseum. As well as the verbal and nonverbal messages that tell us that we're expected to pair off with someone and begin reproducing. Uncle Sam even gives you tax benefits if you do it! In my view, the corporations that constantly promote all this conform and cohabitate crap have a vested interest, like cigarette companies, in securing a never-ending supply of consumers. Also religion plays a part in it. They, too, want to encourage the production of future congregants to ensure the continuation of their faith. To be fair, all this subliminal and overt persuasion, for some participants, may not be's just's what generations have done. Well, I've taken a step back and looked at things and found that: a) Marriage is the single leading indicator for/cause of divorce. And b) The sustainability of the world's natural resources and of 100's of species are under immediate threat due to human overpopulation- it's needs, demands and percieved divine right to do whatever the hell it wants...damn the global warming. So, no thanks, I won't be part of the problem, just because 'everybody's doing it'.

3)I do not need someone else in my life in order to feel complete. I am not missing anything. I am a whole person as I am. Also, at least historically, when I've had a boyfriend, I've tended to become incomplete - to put fullfilling all their endless needs and wants first, to the exclusion of my own. So, with that understanding, I am healthier and happier when single.

O.K., I'll admit that having a short yet painful history of manipulative, abusive and/or deceitful boyfriends may have left me with a smidge of shell-shock, PTSD or, at the very least, a bad taste in my mouth. But I haven't let it lead me to categorize all men as jerks. But I feel better keeping them at arm's length, just the same.

Of course, if at sometime, someplace I meet someone else who is also a whole, happy, creative, fun, honest, successfully doing what they love and who is psychoses-free...who knows what may develop. Love? Hmmm. Err. Hopefully a mutually meaningful and enjoyable friendship, that's what means the most to me, anyway.

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