Freak: or Is this a Fiction??

Confession time...Not that I'm Catholic...Thank God!

I had an "unusual experience" a few years ago...and I've been wavering/waffling/whatevering whether or not to make a post about it. But, seeing as my memories occasionally fall through unseen portals - leaving me unsure as to whether or not they will reappear...and I think my experience will make a great movie or miniseries someday...I guess it behooves me to have a back-up copy somewhere. So, Lucky Blogger, you win the prize!

I've known since my early childhood that I'm different. Yeah, lots of people "feel" they are different. But I am the real deal. Sensitive, psychic, clairvoyant, precognitive, gifted, oddball, weirdo...freak...I like that last one. Semantics. " Psychic" carries way too much baggage. "Gifted" (I was bussed to "Gifted" classes at second school.) sounds too La-Ti-Da. "Different" works.

Anyway...
My earliest childhood memory (from before I was 2 years old) is of a recurring nightmare that traumatized my mother and myself some evenings...In the dream, I was was dressed in white, walking (!) up the street and saw a car approaching from down the hill. It ran me over. In fact, several cars did, and I remember looking up and seeing the undercarriages of the cars as they ran over me. Kinda weird thing to dream/scream about at that age. At this point, I assume it was a dream about my just-previous incarnation/life...and that was how I died.

Dreams...
Fast forward several years... I think I was 10 or 11 years young. I had the utterly awful experience, on several occasions, of having graphic and vivid dreams about a commercial passenger plane crashing. That was bad, but no big deal, right? Well, that's true, until you factor in that when I woke up on the mornings that I had these nightmares and opened the morning newspaper...I was quite shaken to find the front page emblazoned with the gruesome details of a commercial passenger plane crash that had happened overnight. Hmmm... Lovely... I mean, what is a person supposed to do with something like that... especially a 10 year young grrl? And it happened multiple times.

I don't know about other places, but people in Florida didn't talk about such things being possible, let alone how to deal with them or what to do about/with them. It was my terrible little secret.

On the outside looking in....

I wasn't a "painfully" shy child. No, I was and excruciatingly shy child. The kind that literally hid behind my mother when new people were introduced to me. That was early childhood. In later childhood, I just avoided people. I knew I was strange, but I could deal with it - what choice did I have? But the idea of having to engage in conversation with "them"(other people) was something that gave me butterflies. Eventually, I befriended some girls in my neighborhood. I was happy with that. But boys were entirely different thing. It took real effort to learn to socialize with the girls. I couldn't fathom then how to deal with boys and I really didn't want to. You know what I did? I watched television and studied other people interacting with each other and I mimicked them to the best of my ability. It never felt "natural", though... and to this day, I still feel like I am acting, I am performing, when I interact with people. I am able to fit in, blend in...to "pass". But it still feels like a mask and cloak I put on when in the company of people and one that I take off when I am alone.


Taking The Words Right Out Of Their Mouths...

One of my "natural" abilities around that time was knowing what people were going to say, before they said it. I thought I was being helpful when I finished people's sentences. I was saving them ( and me ) time. But, sheesh! They certainly didn't see it that way. The looks I got...grrrr... I was only trying to be helpful (one of my over-the-top driving characteristics). A variation on this one reappeared, in recent years, when I would think something - a word or phrase- and someone in my immediate vicinity or that soon came into "range" would blurt it out. I AM NOT KIDDING. (And, no, I was not "under the influence" of anything) It kind of freaked me out for a while. Understandably. I mean, imagine saying something to yourself, in the privacy of your own mind, and some person you have never seen before walks past you and repeats it Word for Word... a nanosecond after you thought it. Here's an example that really happened to me: I was sitting at a cafe on -------- Street. Mid-day hustling and bustling. Yuppies and shoppers going to and fro...Sipping my coffee...I am alone (Big Surprise.)...staring at nothing...feeling under the gun for reasons I may elaborate upon later...and I thought to myself, in my head, "Well... I have friends..." And in the very next moment two guys walked by in front of me, one in front of the other. The second one, tall and lanky and staring at the ground as he strode along...when he got to the point on the sidewalk directly in front of where I sat...he stopped. He just stood there and slowly raised his head so that he was looking straight ahead of himself and to my left, seemingly at nothing. He then spoke 4 words that shook me to my core. He said, "Well... I have friends." He then slowly lowered his gaze back to the ground and re-started his slow, giraffe-like gait forward down the sidewalk. Hmmm...I thought.
No, I mean: "Aaaahhhh!(shriek)...
I thought somebody was messing with my head.
Only I couldn't understand: 1.) Why? and 2.) How?
It was a very unpleasant feeling.
Think about it...You go through life assuming your private thoughts are, well... private!
And...surprise!
It suddenly and constantly appears you were gravely mistaken.
What do you do?
What if you cannot do anything?
What if it continues to happen to you on a daily basis, countless times throughout the day?
On the bus, walking down the street, anywhere, everywhere?
What would you think?
Would you tell anyone?
Would you confront those appearing to mimic you?
What if they weren't aware they were doing it?
Would you think you were losing your mind?
Would you think it was a "psychic" thing?
It seems to be random and follow no pattern.
If you were absolutely sure it was really happening...how could you prove it to anyone? (Like I said, it's random... doesn't happen all of the time... I am looking forward to learning to consciously direct it.)
Would that matter to you?
What if it looked like it was never going to stop happening?
Would you be able to deal with it?

Just because you're Paranoid...

Well that line of thinking wasn't at all helpful, so I tried a blend of logic and quantum physics. "Thoughts being things" and all...just energy (like everything), and energy not being destroyed...just changing form....Hmmm.
According to what I've read of quantum physics, if a person doing an experiment of some sort has preconcieved expectations regarding the results...those beliefs/thoughts can effect/interfere with the results. Maybe the guy at the cafe just kind of spacing out/not paying attention to anything. He was like a blank canvas. And there I was, wound-up and brooding, dark and deep and feeling 'whelmed' (I refuse to be 'over-whelmed'). Trying to create/project something resembling optimistic thoughts/feelings for myself. Maybe I just over-shot.(?) Stranger things have happened....and I might even tell you about some of them. Someday.
(...The saga continues...later, gotta walk my dog.)